Undeniably Magic

And I’m slipping. My chest feels tight. My stomach in knots. I can’t believe I’m here again. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I could just have these nonchalant conversations with you and keep you at a distance.

Did I know all along I was lying to myself? Did I know that I really wasn’t that strong? To my credit, I haven’t completely fallen off the cliff, but I do feel as though I am hanging on with dear life. I’ve been hanging on and now I’m exhausted.

What is it about you? How do you have this power over so many women including myself?

I felt like I was in control. I knew I was walking a tight rope, but it wasn’t until we FaceTimed that I started to wobble. Was that once again the universe trying to save me? Save me from your or save me from myself?

These past couple of months I refused to FaceTime you. I didn’t know why but I knew I didn’t want to see you. And then I did.

I feel chaotic inside. I feel anxious again. Yet like the drug you are, I want more. I wish I didn’t. I need to just remind myself that you are a narcissist who has mastered manipulative tactics like love bombing. You do it so well. You make people feel like they are the only thing that matters in this world. It’s almost like you know who needs it the most and they become your prey.

The best part about it though, you’re also so good at playing dumb. Pretending you have no idea what that means.

I’m glad I didn’t see you in person. Seeing you on FaceTime was enough. I convinced myself that there wouldn’t be a connection. Definitely not like before. I convinced myself that was in the past.

But then that gaze. You stared into my eyes with that dumb smirk on your face. I even asked you to stop smiling like that. Stop looking like that. Your response? “How can I stop smiling when I finally get to see the love of my life again?”.

It’s so cringeworthy. It’s so very, you.