Undeniably Magic

Everything's Coming Up Roses

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Just a girl who loves writing and uses it as an outlet for therapeutic purposes. It is my hope that by sharing my stories, the good and the bad, I can help at least one person find hope during dark times. We’re all human and we all go through it. At times, it can feel as though we are alone in this journey and no one will understand. I understand. Just know, everything’s coming up roses. Enjoy.

  • Tell Me Lies

    I started watching this show on Hulu the other day and the uncanny similarities I felt made me almost feel sick to my stomach.

    It’s hard to even write sometimes when your mind and your heart feel so cluttered with confusion and toxicity.

    I let someone in that had no business being in my life. I knew all along, but I wanted to be wrong so badly. I wanted him to be the person I created in my mind. This loving, kind, caring, and gentle human with whom I felt this intense soul connection with.

    The problem is that isn’t who he is. No matter how many times he showed me that, I refused to believe it. It was me giving the love, the time, the energy, the compromise.

    I’ve decided it is finally time to love myself more. Love shouldn’t feel like this. It shouldn’t have me feeling like I’ve been running a marathon and can’t catch my breath.

    I don’t think he meant to hurt me but then again, if something doesn’t benefit him, he isn’t interested.

    Perhaps I just needed closure. Or felt I needed closure. Perhaps I couldn’t stop thinking about how it felt to be in his arms the last time around. When it’s good, it’s good but when it’s bad, it’s really bad.

    We aren’t conditioned to understand what this type of emotional avoidance and toxicity truly means. To me, I thought so much of what he has done was because of how much he loved me. Now that I am here again, in this toxic cycle, I realize, it is the opposite.

    It isn’t possible to love someone else (not the real love) when you hate yourself the way he does. He’ll lie and tell you about how amazing he is and how much he loves himself but I don’t even think he believes it. Or maybe he does. That’s the scariest part.

  • Slippery Slope

    And I’m slipping. My chest feels tight. My stomach in knots. I can’t believe I’m here again. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I could just have these nonchalant conversations with you and keep you at a distance.

    Did I know all along I was lying to myself? Did I know that I really wasn’t that strong? To my credit, I haven’t completely fallen off the cliff, but I do feel as though I am hanging on with dear life. I’ve been hanging on and now I’m exhausted.

    What is it about you? How do you have this power over so many women including myself?

    I felt like I was in control. I knew I was walking a tight rope, but it wasn’t until we FaceTimed that I started to wobble. Was that once again the universe trying to save me? Save me from your or save me from myself?

    These past couple of months I refused to FaceTime you. I didn’t know why but I knew I didn’t want to see you. And then I did.

    I feel chaotic inside. I feel anxious again. Yet like the drug you are, I want more. I wish I didn’t. I need to just remind myself that you are a narcissist who has mastered manipulative tactics like love bombing. You do it so well. You make people feel like they are the only thing that matters in this world. It’s almost like you know who needs it the most and they become your prey.

    The best part about it though, you’re also so good at playing dumb. Pretending you have no idea what that means.

    I’m glad I didn’t see you in person. Seeing you on FaceTime was enough. I convinced myself that there wouldn’t be a connection. Definitely not like before. I convinced myself that was in the past.

    But then that gaze. You stared into my eyes with that dumb smirk on your face. I even asked you to stop smiling like that. Stop looking like that. Your response? “How can I stop smiling when I finally get to see the love of my life again?”.

    It’s so cringeworthy. It’s so very, you.

  • Dear Daddy

    I miss you more than imaginable. I knew one day I would not have you around but I never expected it to happen so quickly. I have found peace thus far knowing the last words you spoke to me were “love you”. I could not have asked for better “last words”.

    I used to see you every night in my dreams. They felt so incredibly real and I would wake up with this feeling like “wait – no stop”. At first, I was a little sad but soon realized I believe you were trying to tell me something. When I “cracked” that code, you stopped visiting me. I hope you come back. I won’t be selfish as I’m sure you have a lot of dreams to make appearances in.

    Dad, I just ask that you please help guide me through these uncertain times. I often feel so incredibly lost these days. Ever since you passed, Dad, I’ve found myself not knowing what to do or where to go. It was almost as if just knowing you were physically here on this planet with me, I could make the right decisions. I felt so safe. I knew you would always be there for me. I know you’re still with me. I feel your presence so heavy. Especially in the sky. The skies have been so beautiful lately. I just know it’s you. Thank you for that.

    I know Mom misses you with every breath she takes. I often wish it was me that was taken away instead of you. I know that the pain, while maybe still deep, would have been different. Especially for her. I wish I could take that pain away from her, you know? I know you know because you lived the most unselfish life giving to any and everyone before you even thought about yourself. It is such an admirable treat, Daddy. You should see all the love and support from your friends. I never knew you had so many! They love you so much. Can you blame them though? I wish they made them like you these days. I wish I could have broken more barriers with you and got to hear more stories about your life and adventures. I am so thankful for the time I did get with you.

    I wish I could apologize and thank you 100 million trillion times more for all you have done for me and put up with. I did not deserve any of it and I often I feel an immense guilt. More so ever because I feel it has taken away from Mom. I want to succeed and help so bad I don’t think anyone would ever understand. All I ever wanted was to make you proud and repay you for everything. I know you wouldn’t have accepted it but at least I could have bought you a mustang and that 2 door Maserati you always wanted. I won’t say sorry, Dad, because I know I know. “Sorry is a sorry word for a sorry person. Don’t be sorry just don’t do it again.”. This saying of yours (and so many others) run through my mind so many times a day.

    I hope you know the impact you have had on all of our lives. If anyone in this world could have raised 6 daughters, it was without a doubt, you. I couldn’t even count if I tried the number of times I heard “There’s 6 daughters?! Omg your poor dad!” but I would quickly let them know you loved it (whether you would ever admit it or not hah).

    Thank you, Daddy-o for being you. For never, ever giving up on us. Love you to infinity and beyond.

  • Make A Wish

    Sometimes I wonder what it’d be like to see you again. Would my stomach drop? Would my heart break into a million pieces? Or would I have the courage to keep walking and pretend like I didn’t see you?

    Sometimes the pain can be so crippling at times. It’s almost as if you literally ripped a part of my heart out and I’ve been slowly bleeding out since.

    …pause.

    I’m almost disgusted with myself reading these over. I’m not, but almost. I know it isn’t for me to feel guilt for falling for you. You made me believe you were someone else.

    Someone so weak. So manipulative.

    You think you can just jump in and out of peoples lives. For why? That’s the disgusting part, honestly.

    You’re so used to getting what you want from these also, sorry to say, weak women. You use, abuse, and manipulate before you end up in the same old routine. Riddled with guilt so you disappear before you do it again. No, you probably have zero guilt about the things you do. You are at the end of the day a narcissist.

    It’s comical so many people around you justify your bad behavior.

    Here’s the thing…

    When I heard your voice as I accidentally picked up the call from an unknown number, I was startled. Taken aback. I didn’t know how to feel. It was a mix between feeling upset, angry, wondering if I should be MORE upset or MORE angry and I didn’t know how to release that energy.

    You caught me off guard.

    I always knew you would though. I can only imagine the chaotic turmoil that is your mind.

    I won’t give you much but I will give you this. You know right from wrong. Period. That’s where it ends. You aren’t a fundamentally good person. You may WANT to be, but that’s not who you are authentically.

    If there was a picture of “hurt people hurt people” it would be you through and through. But that‘s nonetheless and has nothing to do with me at this point in life.

    I do wish you would stop texting me, calling me, and FaceTiming from random numbers. There is nothing and I mean nothing you and I have to talk about.

    I hate that the person I am to my core, knows you just want “peace of mind” and some days, I ask myself, is it even worth it? Would it burden me to reply back “what is it you need?”. But you know that’s who I am. A good person who just wants peace. That’s why you selfishly thought to disrupt my life a few days before my birthday. It’s just so typical of you. Self serving or nothing.

    The best and maybe only the relief I have gotten from your obnoxious self centered shenanigans is that I don’t even live in the same time zone as you anymore.

    You think by texting me “make a wish” (because you know how powerful 11:11 is to me) that you can “somehow” guilt me into responding. THAT is manipulation at it’s finest and I won’t let you ruin 11:11 for me. Matter of fact, the universe won’t even let you ruin it for me. That’s probably why I needed to move far, far away.

    I love that for me. I wish you well. I hope you find the help you so desperately need.

  • 11:11

    Is it just me or does anyone else get this extreme bout of writer’s block as soon as you begin writing/typing? Every single day, I tell myself to write and to finally do this full swing and like clockwork, the thoughts race through my brain but I can’t seem to get them out. Often times, I can pen to paper a few sentences but the thought of actually writing publicly makes me sick to my stomach. Whenever I tell people, my dream is to be a published author, the response is “What do you want to write about?”.

    Truth be told, everything! I want to write about everything. I feel like I have so much to say and no matter how many times I try to organize those thoughts, I just can’t.

    I’ve been through so much in my 31 years on this planet and it scares me to think about going through more. I hope that with this blog brings nothing but light and love. My intentions are good and my heart is pure. If you have stumbled across my blog and you are reading this, then thank you. It means so much to me. I hope you stay around for the journey. If you are going through things that may sometimes feel too painful to bear, just know that you are not alone. Even if sometimes you feel you are. I struggle with this often but deep down, I know I am not alone.

    I hope through this journey, I gain confidence in all ways. I hope that the negative thoughts and doubts come to an end. They can become quite crippling.

    Anyways. On that note. Until next time.

  • I love you. Allegedly.

    He said, “I love you with all my heart”. I responded, “I love you more”. He replied “Allegedly”. This is where it all began. The love I thought I knew. A love I thought I couldn’t live without but somehow am still living. In love with giving so much of ourselves. Should I have questioned all the trust I gave? Should I have questioned the alleged love I was receiving? Absolutely. I don’t believe in wishing different for past situations because if I know anything, it is that you cannot change the past. You literally can’t so it becomes a moot point to think about the what if’s and what could have been. I know that is easier said than done though.

    I wanted to once again start a blog as writing is my passion. I recently went through a situation in my life that I truly was unsure how I would get out of. To be honest, I am still working through the emotions and trying to live through it. At times, this is extremely difficult. Other times, I am extremely grateful for what I have and the ability to be able to pause and take a breath. This time around though, I am doing this blog for me. I’m not doing it in hopes it will be successful or that it will even be viewed rather I am doing it because it is what I enjoy in my heart of hearts. I know in times of triumph, I have sought out similar situations online because it is my belief that at the end of the day, we just want to feel like we aren’t alone. We want to know that someone can relate to what we are feeling in those moments of despair. Perhaps we want to know what their outcome was in hopes that we can shift from a negative mindset to a positive mindset during our times of healing.

    I would love nothing more than to be the light in what can feel like such a dark place. I am not a professional adviser and/or therapist. I am just someone who writes from the heart. I find my mind bogged up so much at times that I’ve felt like my writing would be too chaotic to publish. I got to a point that every time I tried, I would soon “give up” because I couldn’t figure out how to create a more “structured” blog. I kept reading about “niches” and I swear that word alone gives me anxiety. Truth be told, I don’t know what my niche would be. I don’t feel like I write about “specific” things. I just write.

    At the end of the day, I feel like I have a higher purpose as everyone does but I have not be living my true potential. Instead, I find I put myself last as I just want others to feel and do better. I feel drawn to helping people. I would love to help motivate other people who feel similar to how I feel while being able to truly express myself.

    I hope if you stumble across my blog that you enjoy reading my content. I’ve been through so much in my 31 years on this planet and sometimes looking back, it shocks me. I hope to spread kindness, love and light through this journey.

    Sincerely,

    Yours Truly